Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 


In an astounding turn of events, Head Office has defied the odds and perhaps the workings of the entire universe as we know it, and happily surprised me with an act of charity and/or competence. And while it may sound rather selfish when you get right down to it, I can’t say I’m asking questions.

Suffice to say, the latest paycheck had with it a sizable bonus. Now there’s only one thing I can even think of that would warrant a bonus, but as far as I had been aware, Head Office had screwed me over on that possibility at the end of last year. Even if we don’t make our monthly budgets (which garner added bonuses themselves…and I haven’t seen one of those for at least a year…stupid local, economic slowdown), so long as we make productivity, there’s a year-end bonus the managers receive. Productivity for us essentially means: so long as we keep the total hours worked by our employees each week minimized to reflect slow sales, we make productivity and everything inevitably balances out.

However, for the last 4 months of ’07, Head Office spiked our budgets. By, oh, a few thousand dollars each week. And by “few”, I mean to say: at least $4000 on top of what we should have made last year. Emphasis on “should.” Sales were slow the year prior, which means if our store was originally slated to make a respective $12,000 one week, we ended up only making $8-9000 instead.

And thusly, instead of adjusting this past Commercialmas’ budgets to reflect last year’s sales, Head Office increased last year’s originally projections. So if last year we were hoped to make twelve grand, and we only cleared eight grand…this time around, Head Office figured that despite the downward sales trend all of 2007 saw, we’d pull miracles out of our asses and clear at least eighteen grand.

(Last I checked, only one thing comes out of my ass, and it is distinctly not a miracle…unless you’re going with a rather glorious yet disturbing example of humanity’s evolution over the last few millions of years.)

The short and bloody of it was: no matter how much I could have streamlined my store’s hours, there was no chance in hell of reaching our productivity goals. Not unless I had one person on shift all the time, and closed the store at least one day a week. (Which, come to think of it, might not have been a bad idea. I’d love to leave a sign on our doors one day that reads: ‘Had enough of you lot, am buggering off for the rest of the day.’)

All of this brings us back to the original paragraph or two in today’s bit o’ nowhere. I’m pretty damned sure that the bonus I received was the productivity bonus. The one Head Office screwed us over on, the one I knew based on that I’d never see. But apparently, it manifested itself in my paycheck.

I’m not about to question or complain in the slightest. Fact is, this is incredibly providential. Since Mel & I were gone for a number of days in Connecticut, my pay was going to be horribly slashed. The bonus not only boosted my pay right back to where it would have been had I worked my usual 5 days a week, but it also padded my wallet with some extra money. All of which immediately left my wallet as I paid off a series of not-quite-yet-outstanding bills, allowing me to breathe a little easier over the next few months. (Hey, Anime North is only 3 months away…)

Although…my curiosity has admittedly been piqued abut Head Office’s sudden change of heart. Did the Ghosts of Dumbasses Past, Present & Future visit them? Have they been abducted by aliens and replaced by zombies (who, despite being undead, might actually possess more brainpower than their living counterparts)?

These questions may never be answered, except for the last one if a memo ever surfaces asking us to donate one employee’s brain to Head Office for an upcoming luncheon.



Aaaaaand, on an utterly unrelated note, are Canadians so fucking desperate to spend money that on Family Day they’ll drive down in hordes to the US to shop? Are they so desperate to shop that they’ll go through agonizing withdrawal if they have even one day where they are denied even the choice to go out shopping? Can’t they just order online or shop on Ebay like normal people? Do we have to nail their feet to the floorboards just to make them reconsider their consumerist ways?!



(this rant has been brought to you by a 2 hour wait at the Canadian border to go back into Canada on the newly christened statutory holiday, Family Day. A day where you’re supposed to relax at home with your family instead of swarming the US malls and making normal travelers like us wait an extra two friggin’ hours to get home.)


Also, after 2 solid days of doing nothing but pine for me, Sammy the Wonder Schnoodle finally stopped sulking long enough to eat a pretzel. (I kid you not, Mel’s family told us that after we left, Sammy pouted over my absence for days and refused to leave his doggy bed. I feel flattered & lurved, but am still glad he’s not here to violate my arms again.)


Also, also: I despise customers. Specifically the ones who look at the “90% off” signs above our 4 winterwear bunks, and proceed to destroy the nice, neat rows of winterwear. It takes us half an hour to clean all the bunks, and less than 2 minutes for a single family to turn the displays into something that resembles the bastard love child between a tornado, an explosion and the Batman & Robin movie.

Oh, you whimsically untidy customers? Is it true you’ll be struck down by some cosmic force if you don’t mess up our bunks? Is it really that you’re genetically hardwired to not even remotely try to put things back where you found them? Does it actually turn you on to fling dozens of our hats & scarves across the bunks and not care about where they land?

And perhaps most importantly of all, can I claim temporary insanity after I bash you in the head with a stapler after seeing you do that…and then mail your brains to Head Office for the luncheon meeting, as per yesterday’s memo requested?

Labels: moneys (I had them), Wonder Schnoodle powers activate, zombies ate my mystery shopper

posted by Phillip at 5:14 AM